Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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