So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
