Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
