I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
