i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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