I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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