a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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