I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
