i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
