Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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