i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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