i can't believe i had my finger in that
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
