your thong is hanging out like whoa
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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