ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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