Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
