Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
