i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
