Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
