the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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