I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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