the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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