Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
