I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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