allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
