From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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