the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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