Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
