Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
