3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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