There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
