just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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