I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
