Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
