i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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