After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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