All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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