You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
