I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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