The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
