Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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