areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
