Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
