I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
