I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You have to summon your inner elephant
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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