why didn't you poke me back
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
