I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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