Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
