you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
