Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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