i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
