i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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