I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I fill condoms, not promises.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
