put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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